Wet

Today, I took my ice pick and picked 200 pounds of ice from the freezer in the basement.
Unfortunately, I melted some of it, so I can't prove it.
I was chipping away (hi ho, hi ho), and I noticed on the back of the freezer door (who looks at the back of freezer doors anyway? You can't see them when they're closed), it said, "YOU IDIOT! You're supposed to let the ice MELT, not break it off with a chainsaw!!!!"
(Very perceptive freezer door, although a bit sensitive. I was using a chisel.)
I thought, "..."
And then I went back to work.
Then, the fridge fell over on top of me, rolled over, and trapped me inside, and I died.
UPDATE: Less than an hour after I finished, it started raining.
And HAILING.
It must mean something.

Help meeeee

Do you have any conception of how hard it is to read two books at one time?
VERY hard, that's what.
Actually, it's very simple. I'M probably the only one who has trouble doing it, because guess what? I sit down to read, and I start trembling violently and think, "Oh NO! Which book do I read???"
I have an overly complicated life.
However, since Tolkien was a procrastinator (as mentioned in the last post), I'm honoring his tradition by not getting around to finishing the Fellowship.
I'll probably never get around to finishing that other book, either, if I never get off this dumb computer and eat something.

Who even knew that

Today, I undertook the task that most writers fear and dread and are sometimes afraid of:
♪ THE SYNOPSIIIIIIIIIS♪
(That was scary music, by the way, not any Hallelujah Chorus.)
Why do we hate writing synopses?
It's not like it was that hard. Actually, it was almost enjoyable (I enjoy my work. Love your Stalag.).
Maybe we hate because, in the end, it's not finished yet.
Even though I worked on it for over an HOUR.
What kind of novelist takes an hour to write a page and a half?
My kind, that's what kind. (Incidentally, Tobymac isn't very helpful, although he is weird.)
Let's see...a 350 page novel, would be...I need the calculator for this one...233 and 1/3 hours. So, at three hours a day, it would take 77 and 2/3 days to write a novel.
Hey...
That's actually not that long.
So, why exactly did it take me over a year to write a 36,000 word first draft?!?!?!
Because, I'm like Leonardo da Vinci and J.R.R. Tolkien.
(Procrastinator, that is.)
Does that mean I'm a brilliant genius????
Probably means the opposite...

PS.

I love PS.'s.

Indubitably

I actually spelled that right on the first try.
Last night, a conversation was going in my head. Something about beautiful eyes.
That made me wonder if my own eyes were beautiful.
That made me remember that time when I said that my "Irish eyes are always smiling."
That made me think of how I really am part Scotch-Irish.
But only slightly.
That made me remember the phrase "faint Fallohidish strain" from the prologue of The Fellowship of the Ring.
Which refers to hobbits.
Which made me think that hobbits place much importance on geneology.
Which made me think that Bilbo's Took ancestry pushed him out the door.
Which made me remember that he met Gandalf, and didn't want to go, but went anyway.
That made me think of how Luke met Obi-wan and didn't want to go, but ended up going anyway.
That led to the garbage-smashing scene.
Listen to them, R2, they're dying...

Deep Ecumenics and Apologetics

I used neither of those terms correctly, for those wondering souls.
Sometimes, when people pray over food, they completely forget about the food.
They just talk about other stuff.
Parenthetically: When we pray over food, it's to thank God for it. Not to "ask Him to make up for our mistakes," as Tim Hawkins puts it.
Anyway.
What if we did that every time we thanked other people?
Like when someone opened the door for you. What if you said, "Thanks, I like your hair, what is that in your pocket? Can you help me with something? That guy over there looks lonely, are you growing a mustache? I need a sidehug."
Would that annoy you or what?
Do you think God looks down from His games of chess with Solomon at us and thinks, "Dude, I gave you the food, would you just eat it already?" (He always wins games of chess, by the way.)
What if we forget to mention the food altogether, like I said? What would God say then?
Is there a special place where non sequitur prayers go? Does an knowledgeable angel with a huge giant book and a quill pen write them down, and then he shows them to you when you die?
After good old Saint Peter greets you at the gate, and says, "All right, go the library, take the hall on your left, and you'll find Archangel Michael's brother, Raphael. He has some stuff to show you."
So you go, and the bespectacled angel glances down at you and says, "You're Edwin?"
You nod and said, "Yeah, I'm Edwin."
Then he flips through the book to find the 'E' section.
You'll be shocked what he shows you.
And then, the old guy rolls on the floor laughing, and you stand there dumbfounded.
Yeah, Heaven's going to be great.

To All You Homeless Waifs

Well, the school year is starting again. That should bring some blog posts about. Now that everybody who ever read this blog has given up and died.
Today in band we marched.
I like marching.
But not with this band.
There were like four people who marched.
1. The Drum Major (how did she get to be drum major, anyway? Why wasn't I there when that happened?)
2. The Teacher (although he got out of step once)
3. Me (obviously)
4. Tristen (the only other responsible person in the band)
So you see, my musical life is pretty pathetic.
I wish I played the violin.
Unfortunately, there are no violin teachers around.
Unfortunately, that is non sequitur.
Apparently, the band board (I still don't know who's on the band board; I missed the elections) set a goal of getting a '1' at the state fair this year.
I knew they were good for something.
A futile goal, but you have to know what victory is before you achieve it.
To add to the other misfortunes, the teacher was not a music major; he was a vocal major.
At our school, the choir teacher and the band are the same thing.
So, it's not like I blame him. It's just that...maybe he should let me teach the band how to march.
And how to care.
And how to play an instrument.
And important stuff like that that people in band need to know.
O college band, wherefore art though...

I'm sorry, I apologize

For you millions of people who read this, I'm sorry I have a boring, unblobaboutable life, and also that I don't have the brilliant humor to find something blogaboutable about it. It was kind of quixotic of me to start a blog, you know.
So, I've decided to make a list of ten things that would make my life Blogaboutable.
I can just feel the excitement in this room.

1. If a terrorist milkman blew up the mall.
First of all, we don't have milkmen anymore, so that would be awesome to begin with.
Then, a regular terrorist attack is worth headlines; one on a town as small as Osborne would be worthy of a blog post.
Thirdly, we don't even have a mall.

2. If an new species of fish was discovered in our basement.
This one isn't very likely either, mostly because there shouldn't be enough water in our basement to have undiscovered fish in it. Then again, it could be able to withstand temperatures of 247.19 degrees, and lives in the hot water heater.

3. If a band of Italians staged a coup on the courthouse.
I'm not sure why Italians would do that, but we do have a Pizza Hut. It's about time we got a Fazoli's, too. Come to think of it, I'm kind of looking forward to this.

4. If an English cellist millionaire came to town and held a Fancy Beard contest.
I know, I have a strange fascination with strings, and money, and beards. Musicians with beards are very strange to me, however, which is why I don't have one. (Among other reasons.) However, I know I would make an excellent Fancy Beard Judge. Plus, the Englishman and I could play background music together.

5. If a Noose Museum was established on Van Buren Street.
I don't know why Van Buren street, but Van Buren had dramatic sideburns, and people were still being hanged when he was alive. And, sideburns and nooses are made out of the same stuff.

6. If all the rain drops were lemon drops and gum drops.
Blogaboutable, but perhaps not so exciting. Why would anyone make lemon drops, anyway? Why would you make candy out of the worst fruit in the world? Why don't they make mango drops, or avacado drops?

7. If a new restaurant opened that only sold caviar.
You may be thinking, "Caviar is an appetizer. Caviar doesn't make a meal. What is caviar? This blog dude's probably never even had caviar." You're right, I haven't. That's why I want the restaurant.

8. If King Arthur came back.
I would personally greet him, because Arthur and I and personal friends. In fact, he taught me everything I know about hamster hunting. Got to miss the good old days.

9. If an alien parachuted to earth.
No list of ten things would be complete without a cliche like aliens. However, this alien is different in that he plays the hurdy-gurdy. A little behind the times, perhaps, but hey, anyone who plays the hurdy-gurdy is a friend of mine. After all, I did help invent it.

10. If there were more lists of ten things.

More Tolkien

I'm reading The Fellowship of the Ring, and I recognized something Tolkien did with the structure similar to what he did with The Hobbit.
If you read my recent post about The Hobbit, you'll know what I'm talking about: instead of one disaster in the middle of Act II, there were two.
Same thing with The Fellowship. After a very long Act I (but never boring; Tolkien is the master of Telling, which deserves its own post), Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin leave the Shire, and go into the Old Forest. They get LOST. Then, after their long adventure there, they get captured by Barrow-wights on the Downs. Tom Bombadil rescues them, and off they go to Bree, meet Aragorn, and that pushes them into Act III (I think).
Neither of these really forces them to change their plans, but the story still works. I don't know why. It just does. Probably because they really are disastrous, but (without looking very episodic) they keep the characters spinning and busy, until they reack Bree in safety.
Or not.
Just things I notice.

The Hobbit

I just finished reading The Hobbit today. Now, I will give you my expert review, which you will read, spellbound, because of my brilliance.
Best Book Ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you.
Bilbo Baggins, a very memorable character indeed. He doesn't know his own strength (he weeps when Gandalf says he will be leaving the quest), and yet he recues the dwarves from giant spiders and angry woodelves, burglarizes Smaug the dragon, discover's his only weak spot, and then negotiates between the man and elves and Thorin.
The two problems that I saw were:
Their being helped by luck over and over again. Bilbo was "born with a good share of it," but the motif just seemed overdone. (Besides, I don't believe in luck.)
And,
A dragging ending. However, an amazing piece of work.

UPDATE:
I found something interesting about the structure of this story. I'm not going to expect Tolkien's work to fall under all of our modern theory and conventions (so it's probably not the best to study plot with, but oh well), but he does use the Three Act Structure. He does not however use Three Disasters. (The second disaster is usually used to prevent the 'sagging middle.') In Act II, there are two disasters: They are captured by goblins, and then they get lost in Mirkwood, and are captured by the Wood-elves.
But it still works.

T

Today, I got spam from a Sadducee.
For those of you who are really old and don't know what spam is (how are your reading a blog, and yet not knowing what spam is?), that's the email version of junk mail. A member of a Jewish sect did not walk up to me with a can of Spam and say, "I know you think you'll have a thousand years in the Millennial Kingdom to do all those things you never tried before, like eating Spam, but there really is no resurrection of the dead. You'd better eat this now."
I'm not sure how I would handle that.

Questions of Theology

I played at a wedding yesterday, and was payed, not with money, but with a gift card.
This brings up an Important Theological Question.
Should you tithe on a gift card?
Does it make any difference that it was an American Express gift card, so it can be spent most places, as opposed to at a single store?
What if you don't spend it all in a year, and they start to charge you two dollars a month?
Just tithe, or tithe and offering?
Life in the church can be very complicated.
What do my hordes of bloglies think? Would YOU tithe on a gift card?